"North and South" by Elizabeth Gaskell (a piece of chapter three)

(This book is written in third person, but sort of on the side of Margaret's mind. You occasionally also get pieces of others' minds, but, I'm writing it in first person on Margaret's side)

'I could almost wish Margaret-' he stopped and hesitated. I looked up, confused. He was such a fluent man, and hardly ever stuttered. I almost wished I hadn't. He looked at me in such a strange way, I only wished I could have been back where mother and father were! There I could be safe. With him? I thought I knew him! This was so unlike him! And that look...

'Margaret,' he said. He took my hand, taking me by surprise. My heart was fluttering. Why was it fluttering? Why couldn't I move? 'Margaret, I wish you didn't like Helstone so much - did not seem so perfectly calm and happy here. I have been hoping for these three months past to find you regretting London - and London friends, a little - enough to make you listen more kindly,' What was he doing? I thought I knew him, what is he doing? I tried to extricate my hand. No. His grasp was firm.

'To one who has not much to offer, it is true - nothing but prospects in the future - but who does love you, Margaret, almost in spite of himself. Margaret, have I startled you too much? Speak!' My lips started to quiver, I felt as if I were soon to cry. Startled me too much? Yes he's startled me! We are only friends! What is he trying to do? How can I speak? I tried to calm myself as much as I could before I answered.

'I was startled. I did not know that you cared for me in that way. I have always thought of you as a friend; and, please, I would rather go on thinking of you so.' Oh why did he look at me in that way, as if his heart would break? We're just friends - we were just friends! Oh why? But I had to be firm. I could not marry him. No, I could never marry him. 'I don't like to be spoken to as you have been doing. I cannot answer you as you want me to do, and yet I,' Oh his eyes! 'I should feel so sorry if I vexed you.'

He loosened his grasp on my hand. Was that a good sign? Could we still be friends? Oh why couldn't we just go on being so. And then he looked into my eyes - oh why do his eyes look so mournful?

' Margaret,' he said. I looked him back in the eye, with the firmest and benignant look I could manage at that time. 'Do you-' he stopped again. This was so unlike him! He seemed almost sorry...

'Forgive me! I have been too abrupt. I am punished. Only let me hope. Give me the poor comfort of telling me you have never seen anyone whom you could-' again a pause. It seemed he could not end his sentence. Did he think I loved anyone else? And why would he care?

Why are you causing him so much distress? Can you not just say yes? But I couldn't! No. I could never love him, not as anything more than a friend. I hesitated, not wanting to cause him any more pain. But it had to be done. 'Ah! if you had but never got this fancy into your head! It was such a pleasure to think of you as a friend.' His eyes fell. Those eyes!

'But I may hope, may I not, Margaret, that some time you will think of me as a lover? Not yet, I see - there is no hurry - but some time -' No. I was sure I could not. Henry had been a good friend. Why could he not just stay as a dear friend? But would it be so bad to marry him? To say yes? No. No, I could never think of him as more than a friend.

'I have never thought of - you, but as a friend. I like to think of you so; but I am sure I could never think of you as anything else. Pray, let us both forget that all this-' I almost said 'disagreeable'. For it was disagreeable indeed! But I could not cause him more pain than necessary. He is still a friend. '-conversation has taken place.'

A silence. We looked at one another in the cool evening air. The light from the setting sun shone on the left side of his face. Those eyes could not get any more upset. Why couldn't I just marry him? I would be happy, living with a good friend. I would be well provided for, and I'm sure I could visit Edith in her travels - perhaps even travel along with her! Why couldn't I just say yes?

But how can you marry someone you do not love? I did not understand those stories I heard about royalty - having to marry someone they don't even know. How could they do that? And though I knew Henry, I knew I could never do that. I could never think of him as dearly as he thinks of me. And that would be an injustice to him as well as I. No, I could not marry him. When you marry someone without love in your heart, it will only make matters worse. I could never live my life out with him. My life would be a lie. And that is why I had to say no. Even to those pitiful eyes.

But then the eyes turned hard and cold. He looked me straight in the eye, with a strong gaze. Oh, those eyes!

'Of course, as your feelings are so decided, and as this conversation has been so evidently unpleasant for you, it had better not be remembered. That is all very fine in theory, that plan of forgetting whatever is painful, but it will be somewhat difficult for me, at least to carry it into execution.'

I felt tears starting to sting my eyes. I fought to hold them back. Why did this conversation take such an unpleasant turn? It was so pleasant to think of him just as a friend! But now I fear he could never be that again. I calmed my voice down as much as I could before I spoke.

'You are vexed,' my voice caught; 'yet how can I help it?'

I fought to hold back the tears that pushed to the front of my eyes. I could not cry in front of him.

(I'd LOVE feedback! I felt like I kept jumping back and forth with tenses. What did you think? Was it understandable enough?)